The Eulogy

#1: Write a eulogy for a sandwich, to be delivered while eating it.

It’s a sunny summer’s day. A crowd is gathered around a picnic table, heads bowed in respect. The only sound you can hear is the wind blowing, almost sheepishly, as if it too knows the reason for this somber meeting. A man with a stiff collar rises from the table, holding up a Styrofoam plate with a magnificent sandwich resting peacefully on it. The murmurs in the crowd come to a halt, as the gentleman begins speaking: 

“Friends, family, we are gathered here today to honor our beloved, Chicken Salad Sandwich, or “Sandy” as some of us used to call her *pause for sad laughter*

Oh, how life can be so cruel! It only felt like yesterday that I bought the baguettes that would make her carb-y exterior. Look, they’re still so fresh….so fresh. *stifles a sob, takes a bite*

*talking as he chews* She was extraordinary from the beginning ladies and gentlemen. I mean, the stars aligned to bring her into creation, and into our lives and stomachs. Who could have seen coming HEB’s chicken salad 2 for 1 special? *pauses to swallow* Not I. Her existence was reason itself to believe in something…more, to believe that there must be a god out there looking down on us all.

Let’s raise our napkins to our collars and say a quick prayer:

*shifting as people stuff napkins down their shirts and join hands*

*The Rev takes one more bite*

Lord above, bless our lovely Sandy for her beauty and flavor, for coming into our lives when we least deserved her, but for changing us for the better because of it. *Swallows, as tears stream down his face, trying his hardest to hold it together* She was the best thing that ever happened to me! *Absolutely loses it and shoves his face with Sandy*


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